Lux et umbra vicissum…

Not long after my last entry, Joel and I were thrilled to find out that we were in fact expecting again. The first test I had done gave a false negative, but I tested again a few days later and it was positive.

Then I started bleeding.

I’ve been through this once before and it didn’t hit me as hard this time for a number of reasons. I didn’t get my hopes up quite as high this time, for one thing. Also, it isn’t dragging on like the last time. The last time this happened the baby was fine for 4 1/2 weeks after the bleeding started. This time it started with hard cramping and I was passing clots by nightfall. I also have my two beautiful children that give me a distraction so I can’t just wallow. Wallowing is a definite temptation at times, but it’s best if it’s a temptation that I can’t give in to too often. Timing was also good in that my doctor just put me on a mild antidepressant partly in preparation for the pregnancy hormone changes I’d be going through. It hasn’t built up in my system enough to help much yet, but it should be helping within a few weeks.

I’m still mourning the loss of this child, but it really feels different when you haven’t been praying night and day for weeks that the child would be allowed to live. I look forward to someday meeting my unknown children in heaven.

Now, to be fair, I did say I’d have to have a very convincing reason to return to WalMart for portraits. I got one. 🙂

After checking out The Picture People’s packages, I decided we couldn’t afford them. They have a good reputation, but the cost is higher than I remembered. (We had a picture of Alexis done there two years ago.) I couldn’t figure out what to do, so I tried giving the WalMart portrait studio customer service number a call again.

This time when I called, I asked to speak to a manager. I was much calmer, so it was easier to think. I explained the situation to Amy, a very sweet CS manager there, and after apologizing profusely she offered to send me a good-size gift certificate for future portraits. The certificate will arrive sometime next week, which means we can still use it for Christmas pictures. Our cards will get out later than planned, but I just don’t care. We’ll be saving a lot of money, and this time I made the appointment at the store I know and trust rather than the one closer to home. 🙂

Now I’ll just pray the girls stay well until their picture. And don’t give each other black eyes or swollen lips or nasty scratches in prominent places…

As much as I like WalMart in general, unless I have a very convincing reason to go there for pictures again, it ain’t happening.

A few days ago I called and made a portrait appointment for today at a WalMart fairly near us. We’ve had good pictures taken by the photographer there before and I didn’t want the stress of trying someone new right now. Well, I called back Tuesday and found out that the photographer I like wouldn’t be there today, so I figured if I was going to try someone new I might as well go to the WalMart closer to home.

For some reason, WalMart doesn’t include its portrait studio in the list of phone numbers in the phone book, so I called the main number. The lady there gave me the portrait studio number, so I hung up and called it. I talked to a nice enough gentleman who took my name and said there was an appointment available Thursday morning at 10:30. I took it, and he responded by saying, “Ok! See you tomorrow, then!” I responded, “No, no… not tomorrow. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I’m coming Thursday.” He paused, chuckled, and said, “Right. Thursday.” That was that.

As those of you with two very small children know, getting them ready for pictures is no walk in the park. I decided to dress them once we got there, but there was still the matter of gathering the many items I’d need there. We’d need the dresses, the tights, the shoes, the headbands (which I’ll come back to in a moment), the wash cloth for a last minute washing of little faces, hair brushes and combs, safety pins just in case, plus the normal diaper bag items including back up clothes and full sippy cups. This kind of trip always stresses me out because no matter how well I prepare I’m sure I’m forgetting something. Joel was meeting me there to help corral the kids for the actual pictures, but he couldn’t be here to help me get everything ready. We did ok, but I was a bit tense as I was driving over.

Before I go on, I have to mention the headbands. I couldn’t find anything that would work for my girls as far as head gear. I wanted something because Alexis’ hair especially is in one of those awkward stages where I just can’t seem to get it to look right on its own. It doesn’t help that it’s very fine and wispy, so it doesn’t really stay where you put it. Anyway, both of them have hair that won’t take barrettes yet for the most part because their hair is too thin. The barrettes just fall out. What I wanted to find was headbands that had black velvet bows on top. They’re wearing red velvet dresses, so I thought that would look nice, and it would be much easier than trying to find something that would match the red. I couldn’t find anything like what I was looking for, so my friend Wendy said, “Why don’t you make them?” Sure! Why not? So I ran to JoAnn Fabrics last night and bought a prepackaged yard of no-roll black elastic, a yard of black velvet ribbon, and a little package of little white rose “notions” so I could sew one in the middle of each bow. Keep in mind, this was just last night that I picked these things up.

The first issue was that the prepackaged “yard” of elastic was 35 in. long. 😛 This wouldn’t have been a big deal, except that when I measured my girls’ heads I found that Alexis’ was 18 1/2 in. and Branwen’s was 17 1/2 in. which meant I’d be using the whole yard. Grrr. At least it’s elastic. That ended up working out ok. The second issue was that the velvet ribbon was very difficult to work with. Velvet is a very slippery material. It would probably have been a good bit easier if I had known where my hot glue gun was, but I didn’t. Instead I was hand stitching everything. (The ribbon wouldn’t have looked right had it just been tied, so I had to make separate loops, sew them together, then sew another piece of ribbon around the middle.) It wouldn’t have been so bad if the silly middle piece would have stayed in place, but it wouldn’t. I think it took more than a half hour just to get those silly middle pieces sewn in place. 😛 All in all, they turned out pretty good, but we were up until almost 1 AM. (Joel tried to help me when I calmly stated that I was about to throw the whole thing in the trash.)

Now I think you have all the background. I’m driving to WalMart on very little sleep and having been somewhat stressed about gathering everything we needed. The girls were being pretty good, and Alexis was hyped about wearing her pretty dress and getting her picture taken.

Joel and I got to WalMart at about the same time, so he helped me get the girls out of the van and into the store. We headed for the portrait studio, and I thought it was kind-of odd that I saw another set of parents there preparing their kids for pictures. I thought maybe they were walk-ins… it was the only thing I could figure. I was starting to get a little paranoid, though, so I asked if they had an appointment. They said, “Yes. We have one at 10:30.” Sure enough, their name was in the book. Ours wasn’t.

You can imagine my emotional state at this point. The photographer basically said, “Hm. Odd. Sorry,” and left it at that. The other couple was also not very sympathetic, not that they could do much. I guess it just would have been nice to hear a kind word about the matter. Well, most likely they were thinking, “Hm. I’m glad it’s our name that’s in there.” I went over to the Customer Service desk to file a complaint, but the woman there very kindly told me that the Portrait area was a separate entity (which I suspected) and I’d have to call the 800 number to complain. She gave it to me. I proceeded to call them as we got the girls in the van.

When I called the number she gave me, I found that it was just an automated system helping you find your local studio. I hung up even more irritated and called Wendy who’s very organized and has had Emma’s pictures done there every year. She had the number for me and I tried again. I actually reached someone that time, but after hearing what happened they just kept saying the photographer should be able to fit us in since they say walk-ins are welcome. After she said this for the third time (I tried to explain that he had said he was booked and couldn’t take us at all this morning), I finally said, “Fine,” and hung up. We thought about going back in and insisting that we be seen, but by then Joel and I were pretty ticked off, we figured we’d also tick off the photographer and other clients, and our pictures would probably be rushed because of trying to fit us in between appointments. Instead, I got the number for The Picture People and called them. We have an appointment there Monday morning – and the very sweet and bubbly lady who talked to me assured me that she had written me in the book.

I would have saved money at WalMart, but it’s not worth the stress. There are three things I can think of that may have happened. The first is that perhaps the gentleman I spoke to was distracted before he had a chance to actually write my name down, and he forgot to write it. The second is that maybe he wrote it on the wrong day. The third is that the person I spoke to when I first called for the Portrait Studio number gave me a number for a studio in a different store. Whatever it was, it caused a lot of stress and I just don’t feel the need for that kind of stress again.

On a brighter note, Branwen said her first phrase today. 🙂 You’d think she was a little angel… her first word several months ago was “amen”, and now her first phrase was “pardon me”. 🙂 Oh well… she’s a good actress. 😉

Ok, now that I’ve vented, I should go. The roofers were supposedly coming today but they haven’t shown up yet. I’m thinking maybe I should call them and see if the date changed or something. I hope not. I was really hoping the roof would be fixed before the next rain and it’s supposed to rain in the next day or so.

I’ve noticed at least two real life examples where one plus one does not equal two. The first is having a second child. Thankfully in this case, one plus one seems to equal more like one and a half since the older child actually entertains the younger one a bit (even when they don’t intend to).

The second example is our nebulizer medicine. When the girls are sick, they get two different medicines in their nebulizer. Each one takes 5 minutes to dispense. If, however, we mix them together (as we’ve been told we can do) and give it all in one shot, instead of taking 10 minutes it takes between 10 and 15. This would indicate that one plus one equals more like two and a half. 🙂 (It’s really because the nebulizer doesn’t quite dispense all of the medicine. Once it gets down to a certain point the little bit that’s left just stays in the medicine cup. Putting in two medicines at once makes the overall amount that the girls get greater. Confusing?) 🙂

I had to use an i in the title because I’m reminded of an old Calvin & Hobbes comic strip where Calvin was having trouble with his math homework (some basic addition problems). Hobbes, being helpful, looked at the problems and stated that this was very difficult and would involve imaginary numbers like eleventeen and thirtytwelve. 🙂

On a completely different note, I wonder where I can find hair thingies for my girls to wear for their upcoming Christmas pictures. All of the things I see in the stores are made for little girls who have been blessed with more hair than mine have. Maybe I can find some little headbands with a bow on top or something…

Gotta go get lunch for the munchkins!

I’m three days late and not pregnant. Normally that would be depressing, but it’s not a terrible thing this month. First of all, we took a break from “trying” in that I didn’t bother checking my ovulation tester. It made a significant difference in my stress level, enough so that I’m wondering if I should really be checking it at all.

Second, I started thinking about the ways that God works in our lives. It’s easy to question why God wouldn’t let us conceive again yet, but it can be fun to think of reasons why he hasn’t. The same is true with the irregularity of my cycle; easy to question, more fun to find reasons for it. The reasons I come up with aren’t always right, I’m sure, but they often make me feel better.

I looked at my calendar today and realized that if Joel and I don’t conceive this year, my period would have been due in the middle of the trip to Croatia. Ick! What a terrible thing to try to deal with in a foreign country when you’re attempting to do mission work among very poor people. 😛 Anyway, because I’m late this time, it’s pushing the date back and I shouldn’t be due in January until after I would be back. 🙂

Things are moving foward on that. I started the passport process Saturday morning and should have it in about 4 1/2 weeks. I’m in the midst of figuring out immunizations now. I should start writing up support letters, too, so I can send them out. The church will help with the cost up to a certain amount, but we haven’t been told how much they’ll cover yet. We know we’ll have to raise some of it ourselves in any case.

Alexis wants some attention and I’ll need to wake Branwen up soon. Time to go be responsible. 🙂

Our flex money is gone by now, so I’ve been putting off going to the chiropractor. I had been going about once a week to keep my spine in place; it goes out a lot as I trip over toys and heave children hither, thither, and yon. Joel was going with me since his lower back and neck tend to go out. Our insurance covers chiropractic care, but even with just a copay due, all of those trips add up. Anyway, I was just thinking the other day that my back seemed to be holding up remarkably well considering how long it had been since I was adjusted, but yesterday my back apparently decided it had reached its limit. I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary – just lifting Branwen into a chair with me – and I got a sharp pain across my lower back that took my breath away and made me nauseous. From that point on I couldn’t walk without pain, I had trouble changing positions (sitting to standing and vice versa), I couldn’t bend or lift easily, twisting was excrutiating, and bending backwards (which often causes my lower back to pop and releases some of the pressure) was impossible. The chiropractor wasn’t in yesterday, so I couldn’t get an appointment until today.

I injured my back in the summer of ’96. I was working at a special needs camp (a job that I didn’t end up sticking with because I came down with mono, strep, and a couple of other fun sicknesses) in a session involving working with children with physical and mental handicaps. (We also worked with deaf and blind children in separate sessions.) I was sitting on the sidewalk playing with one of the boys with sidewalk chalk when another child, one with braces on his legs whose balance wasn’t that great, walked towards us and tripped. I didn’t take much of his weight, but when he fell, the way he hit me caused me to twist oddly.

It’s funny how back injuries occur. I’ve heard stories of herniated disks from tug-of-war matches and even from sneezing hard while in an odd position. Mine was rather odd too. Some of the workers there didn’t believe I was really injured. The counselors didn’t know each other all that well and some of them thought maybe I was one of those people who would fake an injury just to sue later or something. I’m not – I don’t believe in lawsuits in most cases though I think there are a few appropriate times to use one. Even having everyone believe me and sympathize wouldn’t have helped too much, though. The first time I had the really debilitating back pains (the night after the sidewalk incident), the camp nurse came to my cabin and gave me Tylenol, the only pain killer she was allowed to dispense. As those of you with back pain probably know, it didn’t do a darn thing.

Once I left the camp, sick as a dog and rather depressed because I felt like a quitter, there wasn’t a whole lot more that I could do about the injury. I was on my parents’ insurance at the time and it was an HMO. They refused to cover any tests to discover what was wrong. For about a year and a half I was in and out of emergency rooms where they’d prescribe strong pain killers and muscle relaxers. I hated taking medicines, so I’d only take them when the pain was really bad. I finally was able to go to a Spine Care Center to at least talk to a specialist even though tests (such as MRIs) were still not approved. The doctor there examined me, asked me about symptoms, and determined that I had a disk injury. He gave me some exercises to do and some ideas of ways to relieve the pain when it happened. He also encouraged me to continue seeing a chiropractor, something I had been doing already.

Since then I’ve seen several chiropractors and I went to one other Spine Care Center. One of the chiropractors told me I’d probably be in a wheelchair by the age of thirty, but thankfully I believe he was wrong. I’ll be thirty soon enough, and I’m better now than I was then thanks to good care and more understanding of my injury. I was also told that I might be a good candidate for disk replacement surgery once it’s perfected. My mother also mentioned today a procedure that she’d heard of recently where they actually insert some kind of cement in between the disks to keep them from compressing. Anyway, I think I’d like to avoid surgery for now. I’ve heard too many back surgery horror stories.

My current chiropractor, Dr. Gregory Page of Page Chiropractic in Chantilly, is the best I’ve seen. I’ve been seeing him for about 5 years now, and he helps me understand what’s going on and how to prevent painful episodes instead of just adjusting me and having me come back later. He and another doctor at a Spine Center in Maryland have hypothesized that I may actually have two injured disks, so that will be something to check out if surgery ever does become more inviting.

I got in to see Dr. Page this morning and my back is feeling better now though the muscles are still sore. That should ease up over the next day or two. I know the whole ice/heat routine by now. 🙂

On a completely different note, I went to a very good concert last night. I might not have been able to go, but Joel came home from work early so that I could rest my back beforehand. (If I can lay down for a while in a good position, that often helps temporarily.) The concert was by two ladies who call themselves 2Moms. They’re sisters who have both become mothers (each of them has three children), and they travel around singing songs they’ve written about motherhood and doing motivational speaking. It was the type of concert (they also sometimes called it a conference) where you ended up laughing and crying, sometimes at the same time. They travel with their families, which was neat. Their children (who are still fairly young) and husbands every once in a while would take the stage with them to help them with a song. 🙂 I was very glad I was able to go. I wanted to buy some of the merchandise they were selling, too, but I decided to wait till our financial situation is a little better. I can always buy stuff through their website later.

Time to go read some stories with Alexis and get out of this office chair. The loveseat looks far more comfortable! 🙂

Wow, I’m tired. We stayed up too late last night listening to election reports on WTOP even though we knew very well the silly thing wouldn’t be over by morning. 😛 Even given the late night, I was doing ok until the girls’ doctor’s appointment.

When we went in a couple of days ago, the girls both had colds. Both of them seemed to have reached the peak of their sickness, and I told the doctor I was planning on stopping their Xopenex treatments (a medicine similar to albuterol, for those of you with asthma experience) because their coughing had subsided. They still need to have a nebulizer treatment of Pulmicort once a day through cold season, but stopping Xopenex would mean I could go from three treatments a day (one of them being quite long) to just the one a day. I stopped their Xopenex that day, but they were coughing again before I knew it, so I started again the next morning.

This morning, I heard them coughing as they were waking up. When I went in to get them, I noticed that Branwen was wheezing.

Now, I had already been considering taking them in to check their ears. At Alexis’ appointment, her ears had had some fluid in them, and I had seen Branwen messing with hers a bit, too. The wheezing pretty much made up my mind. When I called the pediatrician’s office, the receptionist was very soft-spoken until I mentioned the wheezing at which point her voice became very crisp. “Bring her in at 10:10. It’s our first available appointment,” she said. I explained that it may have just been morning drainage causing the wheezing, but she insisted that we come in as soon as possible.

I honestly thought the doctor would agree that it was just drainage and that would be that. Instead, he listened to Branwen’s chest and said, “Yes, she’s definitely wheezing.” He proceded to tell me to start a second dose of Pulmicort during the day and up the Xoponex treaments to four times a day for Branwen.

There are both short-term and long-term stresses for me here. Short-term, there’s scheduling difficulties. I have to wait at least 4 hours between breathing treatments. Some people can give their children treatments as they sleep, but we haven’t been able to do that with Branwen other than when she was very sick. That being the case, I’ll need to make sure we’re downstairs by 8 AM (possible, but not easy) at which point I’ll have to give her the first treatment before breakfast (which never makes anyone happy). The second treatment will be at noon making lunch later than usual. The third will be at 4 PM cutting naptime short by a half hour or so. The fourth will be at 8 PM, and since that one is a long one (both the Xoponex and Pulmicort together) it’ll probably keep them from getting to bed on time, too. I don’t know which of the first two treatment times I’ll choose to be a longer treatment; one of them will have to be if I’m going to use the Pulmicort twice a day and don’t want to be doing five treatments instead of four. As you can see, this is not going to be a stress-free process. For those of you who are thinking, “So lunch is moved by a few minutes. Who cares?” the problem there is that all three of us have minor issues when our blood sugar gets low (as I think a lot of people do). If we’re late for a meal, the girls and I have trouble keeping up positive attitudes, which means there’s a lot of fussing, whining, and temper tantrums. It makes for an unpleasant hour or so.

Side note: this is exactly why I get so irritated when people bring their coldy babies into the church nursery instead of keeping them home. It may just be a cold to them, but when my child catches it, we have to jump through all sorts of hoops to prevent more serious problems. (Not to mention that cold symptoms can indicate something worse, and we don’t always find out they have something worse until a few days after the “cold” has started.)

The long-term stress I have has to do with the whole asthma diagnosis. Up until now, there was no hard and fast evidence that Branwen had asthma. The doctor wanted to assume that she did because that’s safer than assuming otherwise, but the only time she really had a lot of trouble was when she had pneumonia. Other than that, she’s had a few early warning signs (like nighttime coughing when she had mild colds), but she hadn’t had any other obvious wheezing episodes. Basically, I was acting as if she had asthma (upon doctor’s orders) while still hoping she might not. My hopes aren’t so high now. I know it can be controlled. I know it’s not severe… at least not yet. It’s still a downer, and it makes me feel tired.

On that happy note, I think I’ll go and get some rest. Branwen should be sleeping (though I’ve heard her fuss on and off) and Alexis is watching a video. I should take advantage of the break while I can. 🙂

Tell my girls that. I was glad I brought the tissues. 😛

So I headed for the polls just before 10:30 this morning. Perfect time, right? I mean, the people voting before work would be gone, lunch crowd wouldn’t be there yet, not nap time… sounds great. Should go smoothly, right?

Parking was as bad as it is at the mall right before Christmas. I drove through the parking lot twice before I saw someone pulling out and could grab the spot. We still had to walk a little bit to get up to the school, too, but I didn’t mind that… until I got almost to where I needed to be and realized I had left my ID in the van. 😛 Oh well.

They had three lines set up: the first was for people with last names beginning with the letters A through H, the second for I through P, and the third for Q through Z. Of course, A through H was by far the longest line. I through P wasn’t overly short, but it was shorter. Q through Z kept being called up to the front because there were so few of them. So, do they just divide the alphabet up relatively equally, or do they actually look at the registered voters in a given area and divide it up so the voter numbers come out a little more even? If they actually do go to that effort, then it was an odd coincidence that most of the A through H’s decided to vote at the same time. 😛

I really can’t complain too much, though. It was a nice day for it, so we didn’t have to wait in the cold or rain (or snow, as one woman pointed out). The girls were very very good considering they were stuck in the double stroller for more than an hour. And then it was over; I have voted and I will now have a right to complain if my candidate doesn’t win. 🙂

My friend Julie and I were talking today and both of us agreed that the networks shouldn’t report anything until everyone is done voting. Even if they just report that states that are finished, it seems like people on the west coast could be discouraged by voting on the east coast and not end up going to the polls after all. It probably wouldn’t make much of a difference anyway, but it still seems more ethical to just wait to report things until it’s all over. Of course, with all of the lawsuits that are either prepared or already started, who knows when it will actually be over. 😛

Time to go get some reading done. Bible Study is tonight, and I haven’t finished my chapters yet. 🙂

This Croatia thing has got me all in a tizzy. On Sunday, a rather last minute very short term mission trip was announced. Bob Hitching, a missionary supported by our church who works with the Roma Gypsies, could use help distributing Operation Christmas Child boxes in Croatia. The trip will be for one week, from December 26th to January 2nd.

I’ve wanted to go on a short term mission trip for a long time, but it’s never worked out. Something has always happened to prevent it. One time I was all set to go somewhere (don’t know if I can say where because missionaries aren’t supposed to be allowed), but my back injury was pretty bad at the time and my doctor told me I shouldn’t go. A couple of other possibilites have come up when I was pregnant or nursing and couldn’t get necessary immunizations. This time, it looks like even if we conceived before the trip, the necessary injections are either pregnancy safe or have pregnancy safe alternatives. Joel already requested that time off, so we wouldn’t have trouble with that. I was thinking both of us could look into going, but Joel thinks maybe it’s my turn to go by myself. Maybe I’ll go into his reasoning more later… anyway, we can’t wait too long to make a decision because we’ll need to send out support letters if I’m going to go and I’ll need to start being vaccinated.

On another note, Alexis had her three year doctor visit today. She’s in the 90th percentile for height and 50th for weight – tall and thin. 🙂 I think she may actually be tall enough to use the booster seat in the car now, so we’ll pull it in one of these days to see if her shoulders match up with the holes where the seatbelt would come through. (Right now the booster seat is sitting loose in the back of the van.)

Oh, and it looks like at least Branwen may get a flu shot after all. 🙂 Their pediatrician was told he’d receive a shipment of 100 shots in the next week or so. Both of the girls are on the list, but they’re not sure if they’ll get any of the adult dosage (which is given to everyone three years and older). If they do, Alexis will get one. If not, Branwen will at least get one. They won’t be able to get two each (which is apparently how it’s recommended for the first time they get them), but even one is supposed to be some protection.

Alexis and Branwen enjoyed the Hallelujah party last night. I’ll post a picture of them when I get my film developed. I didn’t end up going because Mark and Cindy (the couple who just had the c-section a few days ago) needed some company as they waited for some test results on the baby. He was having some overly quick respirations at least one of the times they checked him, but they checked him a few more times and proclaimed him just fine. Anyway, Joel said Alexis had a great time at the party. She was especially thrilled with a large clown who let her squeak his nose. 🙂

Well, I should go. Branwen sounds like she’s thinking about waking up and I have at least one phone call to make.

“Babes in Toyland” was fine. Not the best show we’ve ever seen, but not the worst. (I think the worst was a student film we both had parts in.) Anyway, it was a fun outing.

Joel wants to send me to Croatia. What’s up with that? 😉 More on that another time… Branwen awakes…