Not long after my last entry, Joel and I were thrilled to find out that we were in fact expecting again. The first test I had done gave a false negative, but I tested again a few days later and it was positive.
Then I started bleeding.
I’ve been through this once before and it didn’t hit me as hard this time for a number of reasons. I didn’t get my hopes up quite as high this time, for one thing. Also, it isn’t dragging on like the last time. The last time this happened the baby was fine for 4 1/2 weeks after the bleeding started. This time it started with hard cramping and I was passing clots by nightfall. I also have my two beautiful children that give me a distraction so I can’t just wallow. Wallowing is a definite temptation at times, but it’s best if it’s a temptation that I can’t give in to too often. Timing was also good in that my doctor just put me on a mild antidepressant partly in preparation for the pregnancy hormone changes I’d be going through. It hasn’t built up in my system enough to help much yet, but it should be helping within a few weeks.
I’m still mourning the loss of this child, but it really feels different when you haven’t been praying night and day for weeks that the child would be allowed to live. I look forward to someday meeting my unknown children in heaven.