Lux et umbra vicissum…

When a trip to Ethiopia with AWOP (African Widows and Orphans Project) was planned for earlier in the year, Joel & I prayed about it quite a bit and determined that we felt a very strong leading for me to go along. That trip fell through for me when the people leading it found good cause to limit their numbers and had to cut down on the travelers. The next trip was going to be in April, but that was called off for other internal reasons. I was told that there might be a trip in May, but it was equally possible that the next trip wouldn’t be until August. And so life went on.

Yesterday I got an email from Michelle Gardner who heads AWOP telling me that she was going in May, and in fact would be leaving in about two weeks. She asked me if I’d like to go along.

!!!

I really hadn’t been thinking about it recently. What with school productions, adoption paperwork, gardening, and new puppy training… well, I’ve had my mind pretty full. So even though Michelle had told me that there might be a trip in May, the announcement of one pretty much blindsided me. I actually feel a little guilty about that because Joel and I both believe very much in the mission of AWOP and we pray for it and for the Gardners every night. You’d think I’d remember the possibility of a trip halfway around the world with them. But I just really wasn’t thinking about it.

Needless to say, I was in a state of semi-shock. I still am to some extent. I can’t focus properly and had trouble sleeping last night.

It’s funny the things God uses to stretch us sometimes. The Lord has worked in me until I’ve become much better at waiting on Him. Like most people I know, I’m not very patient by nature, but I’ve learned to wait and pray and look for guidance and pray some more before moving ahead with important decisions. Well, ok, so I’m sure I still have a bit to learn in that area, but really I’m much better than I used to be! So I thought I was really becoming a more mature Christian and learning how to seek God’s will. Maybe that has been what’s happening, but now I’m being put to the test in a different way. Now that I’ve begun to learn to wait on God patiently, He’s tossing me a situation where He says, “Ok, now if I don’t give you the luxury of time to listen for Me, can you still recognize My voice?” Oy. I don’t feel up for this test. And yet I know that God does not test us past our endurance. (I Corinthians 10:13, I Peter 4:11)

Some things have changed since Joel and I first prayed about me going to Ethiopia. For one thing, that was before we felt convicted to try to adopt our two future daughters. That in particular confuses things more because it creates reasons on both sides of the issue, both reasons to go and reasons not to go. On the one side, if I went I’d very likely have a chance to meet our future daughters. (I asked Michelle about this, and during part of the trip we would be not far from where they’re currently living.) That would be a huge blessing. I could bring them family pictures, tell them how to pronounce our names, learn more about them… I almost start crying just thinking about it! On the other hand, trips to Ethiopia are not exactly cheap. In-country expenses don’t amount to much compared to many other destinations, but airfare is getting increasingly more expensive as fuel costs rise. The round-trip ticket will probably cost close to $2000. We have that much saved partly due to tax rebates, but we had it set aside for our adoption costs, including vehicle costs to get a larger van.

Then again, our current adoption is far from the only factor. Since the conception of AWOP, Joel and I have felt a strong affinity with the ministry. The things they’re trying to do – adoption, hospice care for sick and dying parents, microloans and job training for women so they don’t have to give up their children – these are all issues close to our hearts. James 1:27 says this: “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” There are numerous passages in the Bible about caring for the fatherless, for widows, for orphans, for the helpless. It’s a call that strikes a chord in our hearts unlike any other. And AWOP is trying to do exactly what these Bible passages describe.

When Joel and I first prayed about this trip, much of our leading came in the form of a real passion for the ministry. That passion hasn’t left, but perhaps I’ve allowed it to become diluted a bit by the everyday tasks and the burdens of life. And so we return to prayer.

What are our concerns? Well, there’s the financial aspect. Did we trust God to provide what we needed before? Yes. Do we trust that He can provide for us no matter what happens? Yes. Are we called to be good stewards of the resources He’s given us? Yes. *sigh* Nothing’s ever simple. So perhaps we need to go back to a more basic question. Not trying to be cliche, but what would Jesus do?

I’ve been reading a series of books by Michael Philipps and Judith Pella called The Journals of Corrie Belle Hollister. Excellent reading, by the way. Corrie is a young lady from the time just before and during the civil war, and she’s growing up in many ways. One of the things she faces is how to deal with big decisions when she doesn’t feel like she has a clear sign from the Lord. Her stepmother tells her something which I’m finding interesting in our given situation: maybe as you become more mature as a Christian, God doesn’t always give you as many blatant signs of His will. Perhaps as you mature, He smiles at you now and then and basically says, “Well, now that you know a good bit about Me, what do you think I would want you to do?” That makes sense to me. The more we get to know God and see the ways He’s pointed us in our lives, the less we should need direct revelation – dreams, visions, prophesies – to tell us which way He wants us to go. Not that he can’t still use those. I have friends who have some amazing testimonies about how God communicated answers to them when they faced very large decisions. But He certainly doesn’t always use those methods. Perhaps by not using them, He’s encouraging us to get to know Him all the more.

And so in this situation, where do I think He would point me? All of my resources are His – my strength (what little there is), my time, my money. How would He have me use them in this case?

The last trip was taken by a small group of people. While there, they met with various government and non-government agencies to get things set up, and they began processing something like 200 new children for adoptions. Whenever they go, people seem to come out of the woodwork with orphans, starving children, or children of dying parents seeking salvation for their sons and daughters. There have been stories of only having a certain amount of time to spend in a particular place and having people lined up as far as the eye could see hoping to get their child an adoption interview. The reality of their situation is absolutely staggering.

And I found out that this time Michelle is probably going alone.

Well, let’s see… Joel and I have a real heart for these people and for this ministry that’s working to help them, we have been blessed with finances enough to take care of the trip, and we see that there is not only the over-all need but a very real and present need for someone to assist Michelle in this rather daunting task. Funny, it doesn’t seem like much of a question anymore. What would Jesus do? He would do the work His Father sent Him to do. For us, that work is helping widows and orphans in the name of Jesus Christ through whatever door He opens for us.

I still could be wrong about this decision. After all, I’m not perfect and I’m sure I misunderstand what God is telling me at times. But I’m resting in a couple of things. First, I believe that God honors our desire to follow Him even if we sometimes misunderstand where we’re supposed to go. If we’re truly seeking His will, I think He’ll bless us for that. Second, no matter what happens on this trip and afterwards, I rest in the words of Paul in Romans 8:28 – “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Does this mean that serving God (or trying to serve Him as the case may be) will guarantee my happiness? No. The greatest good in my life is becoming more like Christ, not in gaining earthly happiness. And I truly believe that this trip will help to make me more Christ-like.

Now to face all of the fears and challenges of preparing to go to a third-world country in just two weeks. Packing is its own challenge, of course, but there are bigger internal challenges to face which may be even harder to overcome.

I’ve always been the type of person who can be calm in an emergency. Whenever something happens that might require quick action, I tend to think clearly and do what needs to be done. I’m not saying that to brag, but just to explain one of the gifts which God decided to give me. Besides, as soon as the emergency is over I fall apart. 🙂 Point is, while I really need to be calm and collected, I generally am. What I don’t understand is why that doesn’t seem to apply to other areas of my life. For instance, I hate driving places I’ve never been before, even if I have good directions. By the time I get to where I’m going I’m practically having a panic attack for fear of being lost. I also have an intense fear of being stuck in a situation I don’t know and having no idea where to go or what to do. Don’t I sound like the ideal person to be going overseas to help with ministry work?? Well, perhaps that’s exactly why I’m the ideal person in God’s eyes. After all, “God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong.” (I Corinthians 1:27) Like the story of Gideon in the old testament, God could be using me, piddly little nervous-wreck me, to show His glory in a situation where I certainly couldn’t handle things without Him.

So I’m going. I’m handing it all to Him as best I can. And with God’s help, this will definitely be a trip to remember.