Lux et umbra vicissum…

1. If you get really upset with a child and start yelling, the dog will pee.

2. The children really do listen sometimes, as shown by the three year old repeating word for word and gesture for gesture, “I don’ get water!  I get orange juice!  EVERY MORNING I get orange juice!”

3. When dealing with toddlers (or anyone else, for that matter), repeating something louder does not constitute an explanation and will not make them understand any faster.

4. If you’re going to be silly about chasing a child around to pull a leaf out of her hair, expect her to then go and dump many leaves in her hair which may take a half hour or more to pick out.

5. The first step in teaching children how to take the dog out is to teach them to get their shoes on very fast.

6. Choosing clothing for your child will automatically cause her to hate said clothing even if it was her favorite outfit before.  The act of mommy choosing the clothes automatically makes them repulsive.  (I’m guessing this is practice for when they’re teenagers.)

7. The same basic principle applies to food.

8. Bribery sometimes works.  Unfortunately, using bribery one time causes it to become constantly mandatory in the child’s eyes.   And it’s not always a good time for ice cream.

9. If you want a child three years old or above to sleep during the day, do not say the word “nap”.  It’s an insult.

10. Never EVER imply or say outright that a child is too young to do something, whether it’s cleaning a sink or handling sharp knives.  Arguments and tantrums will commence, and the rest of whatever job you have to do will become even less enjoyable than it already was.  Best to avoid the topic altogether by suddenly thinking of something else the child can do or by “remembering” something you wanted to tell them.

11. Trips to the mailbox or to get the newspaper are apparently supposed to be family events.  Anyone left behind has the right to fuss and whine until appropriately distracted.

12. Balls are for throwing.  What is this hard and soft of which you speak?

13. Anything thrown is for the dog.  Who cares if it was meant to land in the compost pile?

14. Just because a dog can’t remember where to pee does not mean it is completely void of intelligence, as shown by the fact that it has learned to avoid the four year old when she’s near a pile of leaves.